Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from spot. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have Yet another position where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he ought to stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the project, replied, "You understand, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and Trump Tower Damascus "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head seen from House, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It can be not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options

Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium exactly where visitors may possibly contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate control established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"

The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage can even involve:

A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait around to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a lodge where by my PTSD can have change-down provider."

A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Remaining Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."